I seem to have left my pride at pride
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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