Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
