My liver just broke up with me...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
