she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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