If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
