May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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