Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She bit a glass in half.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
