you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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