Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
