Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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