What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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