I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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