Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Randomize
