I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we made out on top of his cat.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
