My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
