Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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