I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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