I looked at my own cervix.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
