god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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