Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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