first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
