god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
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It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
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Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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