she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
