I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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