I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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