smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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