he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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