yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
