It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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