What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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