got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
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I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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