Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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