i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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