you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
