He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
