when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Still dying that you shit outside
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
