I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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