My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Can I color on your dick again?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
