why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
