Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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