I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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