u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
