Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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