based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Drake has all the answers
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
