i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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