I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
