I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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