oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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