i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
