Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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