OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
