Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
