you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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