When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
she peed on how many people?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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