so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
