I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
