I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
