that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
