John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
